I haven't been this angry in a long time
Every little interaction was pushing me closer to my edge. I was becoming short and hasty in conversations. All my tension was being pushed outward towards other people.
The weeks leading up to vision quest had my back against the wall in the worst way possible. I was putting my body through hell... intermittent fasting, water fasts, extreme workouts. All with fear as my main source of fuel. Fear of death, fear of my ego giving up on the task ahead, fear of not being seen by my peers and family for the commitment I had made.
Moments of deep introspection. WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS? Why am I about to go through with one of the hardest human experiences out there. WHY WHY WHY. Deep breath return to intention return to my prayer. Oh yea, it's not for me it's for my father it's for my lineage for my ancestors my friends my dog my family. It is to learn the medicine of suffering so I can greet grace.
Next day more anger... If I hear one more person say "no phone you're gonna be so bored" I just might lose it.
"No food, haha I would never"
"No water, you're gonna die"
"All by yourself, what are you going to do?"
"What if an animal kills you?!"
"I would never do that"
All these comments were starting to really get to me. Until I spoke briefly with my brother Jared who said to me something that really stuck. "when people make these comments just say to them that this is not for you to understand because this is my path" and at that moment I witnessed all of these comments were coming from a deep sense of fear also. Fear of not being able to distract yourself, fear of having to sit with the entirety of who you are ALL OF IT, fear of commitment. And within that space, I witnessed the most beautiful reflections of myself all of these comments were getting to me because they were mine. They were for the most part all shared fears that most of us collectively have.
I was holding so much anger and resistance towards hearing these things because they were the purest reflections of where I really was mentally at the time.
But the type of individual I am is I've always pushed my edge I've always sought outside the comfort zone. It was at an early age I learned that the comfort zone can completely ruin our potential if we allow it to.
And so I pushed now with a clearer insight
I began floating more and I found supreme bliss within the stillness
Leaning into all of these discomforts allowed me to create the conversation needed to look deeper into why I was feeling these feelings. And with insight, we can begin to
correct and realign certain emotions.
If it wasn't for floating I don't think I would have gone through with the vision quest.
There is a certain tenacity we find within ourselves when we are at our worst state. It is like an ember that just ignites a clear vision.
and right when I was about to fan the ember...
To be continued